A prerequisite to the upcoming column: Ok, this issue of Zero Tolerance will be on how to get more wrestlers for your fed. This has to be one of the hardest things to do, so don't get discouraged if you can't find some new people really fast. Also, even if you think "Well, I'm automatically screwed because no one I know likes wrestling, and all the kids that do are either weirdoes or... well, weirdoes." Because that is certainly not the case. Some people are "closet" wrestling fans, or they don't even watch wrestling but they just want to DO wrestling. And make sure that when you get that new talent...screen them to make sure they're the kinda person you want in your fed. Now with that said, time for the column!

OK, now, as most of you should have read, this column will give you some suggestions on how to get some more talent. This way, when your roster is overflowing, you have 3 auxiliary referees, four commentators, and like 40 hot valets, you can say "Wow, Zero is undoubtedly the coolest person in the entire world." Read on my student...

People are drawn to mystique: The main thing with this topic is that you don't OVER advertise. And while this might sound like something that companies would be telling their salesmen, this applies to getting new talent... which is mainly because you're trying to SELL people on wanting to join your fed. Now when I say don't over advertise, I mean, don't put something like... THIS on a flyer: XXW: The most extreme hardcore backyard wrestling you will ever see in your entire life! Barbed wire, aluminum baseball bats, thumbtacks, tables, fire and much more! Come see our show on xx/xx/01! For details call 000-0000. Why? BECAUSE ITS CORNY. The corn-o-meter (yes, I made the word up... so??!) plays a HUGE role in getting people. People reading this flyer is like forcing teenagers to watch Barney with their grandparents... they just won't want to partake in this activity. Make the flyer, advertisement, whatever, something simple, something that isn't misleading, and something intriguing.

Do some recon: Check it out. Good listening skills are required, so let one of the more suave people in your fed do this one. Now what you need to do is listen for people talking about ANYTHING wrestling. And with that Mummy movie making wrestling even more mainstream, this is probably going to be easier to do than it was back in the day. Now, if you hear people talking about wrestling stuff, approach them (and make sure to have your backyard wrestling pickup lines ready!). Now, all you have to do is ask them if they're into wrestling. If they say yes, then ask them if they'd like to attend a show. If they attend a show, ask them how they liked it and if they'd like to be a part of it. If yes, the you've got a new member. If maybe, get em to go to more shows, if no, then be persistent, but don't piss them off. If it turns out they aren't even interested in wrestling, then oh well.

More recon... but observational recon!: Heres whatcha do here. You wanna LOOK for signs of a wrestling lover. Shirts, goofing around doing wrestling moves to friends, constant peoples eyebrows, etc. These people are usually more likely to be interested in wrestling, so keep an eye out! After you've initiated conversation with them, repeat the processes in the above section. Congratulations! If you've done both of the recon sections, then you've tried the toughest and most ballsiest way of getting new people. Now on to some of the easier ways...

Internet, internet, internet: In case you haven't picked up on it by now, I like to use the internet to solve some problems. =) There are so many ways to advertise for talent on the internet it isn't even funny. You can post it on your website, which I find to not bring in too many people, being as if they're at the site, people are either just fans, or already wrestlers. The best way is to advertise in OTHER places. Find you're township's website, and write something about fans of backyard/pro wrestling. Chances are, you'll get at least 1 reply, which could be someone close who would be into backyard wrestling. Another good way is to leave messages in other peoples' guestbooks/message boards. Utilize every online aspect you can think of.

Other local feds: Now if you don't have any other feds within a reasonable time limit of you, just go to the next bold letters. If you do however, read on. Ok, you might not like them (hell, they're your competition!), but try to be friendly with them. Why? Because if/when they breakup, you'll have a mass of new talent. Now while this strategy isn't instant gratification, its a bigger payoff. While your wait time might be anywhere from weeks to years, all that new talent will increase your fed's popularity, being as you're pulling fans from both feds. And also, in the event that your fed goes under... you will have someplace to go. But lets not dwell on that...

Event location: Bottom line is, if you're holding events in the middle of nowhere, you'll get no "publicity." If you're putting on an event thats supposed to attract interested people, then make it someplace accessible. Now I'm going to rule out two places to hold big events like this, and while you may think I'm an idiot for saying so, think about the rationale behind it. Your backyard, and the school. Ok, now you're probably thinking "What the hell? Is my backyard not good enough??! Screw you!" oooor, "What the hell? Is my school not good enough??! Screw you!." Now just listen. The backyard equals relatively small, you have neighbors (well, most of you do), you'll be playing loud music, and most importantly, to the untrained eye, you will also be FIGHTING. Now you don't want the police showing up and your prospective talent thinking "This sucks ass, I don't want to get arrested." Now for the school. While the school may seem like the opportune place to hold an event. You'll also attract stragglers. A straggler, for the purpose of this column, is someone not interested in wrestling. They may make fun of you, throw things at you, etc. You don't want this kind of asshole giving your new-talent hopefuls the wrong impression. Places I would suggest would be places near to the school, but far enough away where people who weren't interested would waste their time walking to. Now if you don't want to have it ANYWHERE near the school. I recommend a place in or near woods. These places tend to be secluded, for all your backyard wrestling purposes, and you can be as wild and have as many people as you want!

Holy cow! Fourth issue! *CHICA-BOW-CHICA-BOW-WOW* And thats happy porno music folks! Not dirty porno music like you find in... errrm... porno. Once again, any and all hatemail, deaththreats, flames, etc., can be sent to me at And oh yeah, send me your problems so that I can write about them! I'll keep it confidential... I swear! Thats Zero Tolerance, over and out.

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